How to Destroy Shyness and Become More Attractive

by Eric James on Apr.03, 2010, under Attraction, Inner Game

So you’re shy. But what does it really mean? There is a big difference between shyness and just being an introvert. Introverts are typically not up for small talk. They despise small talk. They want to talk about deep stuff and usually have a lot of thoughts going through their heads. They’re constantly analyzing situations and figuring out what they should do. They have a need to be by themselves and sort out their thoughts. They need this in order to recharge their batteries.

Shyness is not a form of insecurity! It’s typically characterized by self-consciousness and fear of being judged by others. Shy guys are locked inside this “world” where they think that everybody is watching their every move and judging it. They think that the moment they walk in anywhere, everybody in that room will turn and look at them. This is the reason why shy guys are so nervous when talking to others, especially women. They fear being judged or ridiculed by others.

Do the following experiment. Next time you’re out walking in the street look at someone else walking either towards you or in front of you. What are they doing? Are they looking for people who are judging them or are they walking around minding their own business?

Typically people around you aren’t even paying attention to you. They’re too busy minding their own business. In fact the majority of people are walking around in a waking trance. They’re not paying attention to you. You’re not that important to them.

So if this is what’s really happening then do you think that they’re judging you? If you still think so than you care too much about their approval. I used to be like that. I used to think that I had to prove my “smartness” to everyone and if I couldn’t prove it, I’d be quiet and not talk to anyone. I would much rather go home and read.

When you are out look at someone else. Are you judging them? If so do you rally care that they are too _____ (whatever your judgment is)? Do you really care about the way they are acting? Probably not. Now realize that this person could be you. Can you see how no matter if people judge you or not they still don’t care about you?

The only principle you need to know about self-improvement is that there is no such thing as self-improvement, there is no such thing as growth, there is only self discovery. When you have a deep realization about what you’ve been doing so far and all of a sudden you step back and see the big picture you now have a much better view of yourself. Please understand that being introverted is ok. There is nothing wrong with you. You just have to accept it and work within that system.

Another important thing about shyness is to understand that you’re not better than others. My own issue had to do with my wanting to appear smarter than everybody else and if there was another smarter person in the room, I’d get really quiet and shut up. I wouldn’t approach girls because I was worried of being ridiculed. Then I understood that I wasn’t necessarily smarter than everyone else and even if I was, I would be humble about it. It was very important for me to realize this because it finally freed me from the cage I had locked myself in.

So in order for you to get out of your own cage, it’s important that you start to understand how you trap yourself in it. It has nothing to do with what happened in the past, it has everything to do with what you do in your head, what kinds of mindsets and beliefs are driving you and how do you think about yourself. Once you identify these thought patterns it’s very easy to reframe them into something more useful.

For me, once I realized that I was trying to show off my smarts, I changed it to be so that when I met someone smarter than me, I would actually open up and learn from them rather than try to prove I was smarter then them.

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Attractive Mindsets

by Eric James on Apr.03, 2010, under Attraction
  • You don’t need a woman to validate you and to make you feel worthy. You existing is testament to the fact that your ancestors were survivors. They lived through wars, famine, disease and natural disasters.
  • Don’t reward women with attention just because they are beautiful. This is what 99% of other men do because this is what we’re programmed to do. Instead reward them for doing something you like.
  • Don’t think in terms of “getting” women or “getting something” from women. This is a very selfish mindset. Women can smell it a mile away and they are repulsed by it. Instead think in terms of just meeting them, talking to them and seeing if they are a good fit for you. Also think in terms of enhancing everyone’s experience and not about getting yours and getting out.
  • Women are not the pinnacle of your existence, they are the cherry on top. They are there to enhance your life and support you in your pursuit of your dreams and your goals while you support them in their pursuit of their dreams and goals. It’s a symbiotic relationship of mutual value escalation. So don’t make “getting women” a goal in life. Focus on other more worthy pursuits and let women come to you. (vision)
  • Also don’t think of relationships as a virtual marriage. You don’t “own” her. She is with you of her own volition and can leave at any time. I know it sounds bizarre, but trust me when you think of her as your “property” this is a very selfish and insecure mindset. Most women don’t like to have their freedoms taken away or even threatened. If you get too close she will feel choked and would want some space. This is why you should focus on building a happy life without her and not make her the main excitement in your life. If your life lacks excitement and you want to get a woman to get some excitement, you will fail in relationships unless you find insecure women who will also attach to you for their own reasons.
  • Think of women as the tourists who come to visit your world. Your job is then to make your world so appealing that not only do you like it but she also doesn’t want to leave. Your intention is very important. Don’t improve yourself so you can be more appealing to women or so you can get more women. Improve because you want to and if women like it then great, if not then you should still be able to enjoy yourself. (vision)
  • Women are sexual creatures at their core, jut like you are. They LOVE sex, probably more so than you do. Can you imagine having wave after wave of explosive orgasms? Can you imagine having an entire organ in your body dedicated to pleasure? However, our society looks down upon women who openly admit this. So women have to hide their sexual nature for fear of being labeled as sluts, but if you can protect her reputation in public by keeping your mouth shut and free her from this fear, you will have a wild woman in your bedroom. (accept your and her sexuality)
  • Women are not the enemy and seduction is not a war for supremacy, who’s better than who, Women are your teammates who want the same things you do. Don’t try to force a relationship right out of the gate. Allow for things to take their natural course while gently nudging them in the direction you want. The secret is to never make her feel pressured to do anything. She should be free to choose what she wants to do. Women will appreciate this more.
  • When you don’t know someone, turn on your curiosity, assuming you’re interested in that person, and try to learn as much as you can about them; their life story, their character, their experiences, etc.
  • When you don’t know enough about a topic and you feel intimidated by your lack of knowledge, don’t be ashamed to turn intimidation into curiosity and open up and have that expert teach you. Just keep on asking questions and keep on an attitude of openness and curiosity.
  • Treat sex as playtime. Don’t put too much pressure into your performance or in getting her off. She will feel your pressure and it will turn her off. She will not be able to relax which is key to enjoying sex. Also if she feels pressure of any kind, she will feel like you want her validation and she will be repulsed by it.
  • No matter how much of a Casanova you become, you still wont be able to get all the girls. Regardless of how confident you become, some women just won’t be into you.
  • Pushiness comes from a need to validate yourself by getting women and wussiness comes from insecurity and fear of rejection. When you handle those two things, you will naturally be balanced.
  • Own how you dress and make it fashionable but also have a sense of general fashion so you don’t stand out too much. Basically wear something that you think is cool and that you like instead of something that you think she should like. Wear stuff that makes you feel good about yourself and makes you look good, unless you want to make a statement through your style by wearing unique stuff. It should be a matter of self-expression.
  • A woman views a date with you as a slice of what life with you will be like if she picks you as her life mate. She’s looking to see who you are, what you’re made of but also if you’ll take care of her and take her on a magic carpet ride of your life.
  • In order for a woman to be comfortable sleeping with you she has to know that you’re comfortable NOT sleeping with her.
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The Secrets of Natural, Irresistible Attraction

by Eric James on Mar.27, 2010, under Attraction

There’s a question that I have been asking myself for many years and I’ve always gotten different answers on it. That question is “How come some guys seem to get all the hot girls while others, like me, can’t seem to get anything going whatsoever?” The even more annoying part is when you ask them what they did to get her you hear stuff like “Just be yourself man!” Thanks buddy, that really helped.

Over the years I’ve studied many interesting concepts in psychology, persuasion, sales, marketing and even seduction. I’ve applied some of these to meeting and attracting women with mixed results. The problem was, everytime I tried one of these “techniques” I was terrified about what the girl might think. It wasn’t until much later in life that I made some realizations and learned how attraction actually worked.

In this report I will teach you some of my latest findings about attraction and how you can be yourself while being irresistible to women. You really don’t need any pickup lines, fancy clothes, a fancy car or any of that stuff that normally is thought of as being attractive. You will learn how attraction actually works at the core of it and how you can take that idea and use in your life. You will learn the secret of the naturals and what makes them so irresistible to women.

So let’s get started.

First of all let us discuss the current theories of attraction and why they are all flawed at the core. The majority of these theories sprung from guys who had problems with women and tried to get better. What do you think his mindset is?

The first flawed mindset that this guy has when starting out is that in order to be considered a “stud” among his peers or other guys in general, he needs to sleep with a lot of women. This is the typical starting point for any guy who hasn’t been as successful with women as he thinks he should. In fact, he measures success by the number of women he sleeps with and his self esteem and his sense of self worth is almost completely based on the reactions he gets from girls.

The second flawed mindset is the idea that he needs to build attraction in order for her to be even remotely interested in him. The idea that you need to build attraction seems very innocent at first until you look at the assumptions behind it. Let’s deconstruct it and see what we find:

Assumption 1: Since you need to build attraction then there isn’t any there to begin with. This means that the girl wouldn’t normally be attracted to someone like you. If you now want to “get” this girl, you need to show her that you’re an interesting guy so that she will like you. The question you’d have to invariably ask is “How do I make her interested in me?” The most common answer is that you’d need to learn a  few techniques on building interest.

Assumption 2: Since you need to build attraction then it means you have to put in work to make her like you. This means that I’m starting off from a lower position on the social value ladder or “totem pole” than she is. What this does is to automatically set up a dynamic where you have to “prove” yourself to her and show her you’re better than you think you are. This is the classic case of the guy trying to impress the girl.

Now I hope you can see how both of these assumptions are setting you up for a lot of work and potentially a lot of failure but we’re not done yet!

Let’s go further.

Let’s assume that you learn a few techniques and you learn how to handle yourself in some situations which lead to you getting some success. You now have girls showing some signs of interest, talking to you, being more flirty with you, etc. It’s all great right? It feels pretty awesome but then what happens? How do you keep the conversation going? What do you say next? How do you ask her out?

If you still have the mindset of needing to build attraction, you will now want to keep this up. After all, if you stopped talking to her or if there was an awkward pause or if had to leave the situation, she might be gone and you’ll lose all the work you did!! So what do you do? Well, the simple answer is learn more techniques!! You end up then getting to a point where you become a technique junkie and a walking vocabulary of terms you’re not even sure you understand. You get hooked on getting more and more attention from girls to validate your sense of self worth.

How do I know this?

I used to be that guy until I discovered the deep hidden secret behind my mindset. I was assuming that I needed to build attraction, that this hot girl would never go for someone like me and so I’d set myself lower on the totem pole and proceed to use techniques in order to impress her and prove myself to her. And I’ve used anything you can think of, from pickup lines to poetry to persuasion tactics to stupid stories that made no sense to me.

Now let me say something else.

There is nothing wrong with learning new techniques and with improving yourself. There is also nothing wrong with going to a bar or club and trying to use a bunch of techniques to pick up girls, if that’s what you really want to do. Personally, I’ve always looked for something deeper than that, something that could blossom into an awesome relationship and so any of that “quick-sale” stuff didn’t really work for me.

If you suffer from the same mindset, I completely understand. I’ve been there myself and I know just how bad things can be. You constantly feel like you have to settle for lower quality girls simply because you think you can’t do better.

Well I’m here to tell you that you absolutely can!!

It all starts with a simple mindset shift which I’m going to show you next. This shift has made a tremendous impact in my interactions with people and especially women.

The secret of the naturals

When you learn this secret, it will finally set you free of all worry and anxiety with women. It’s so simple that it can easily be misunderstood but it can take time to truly master to the point where you don’t even think about it and it becomes your reality.

We saw how the worst possible mindset to have is the mindset of assuming that you need to build attraction, assuming that she wouldn’t be attracted to you in the first place. Well the secret of the naturals is that they have the exact opposite mindset!!

Guys who are naturally good with women simply assume that the girls they talk to are already interested in them. Of course it may not always be true, but he still acts as if it were, which in some cases may even get the girl interested. They assume that they don’t need to build attraction because it’s already there. They assume that they are interesting men and that the girl would also find them interesting once he gets past her social filters which ne typically just laughs away.

Now there’s a lot going on here.

Most guys have a lot going on for them and yet they feel really bad about themselves. They assume they have low value and thus have to play a game of catch-up. If you are one of these guys, I don’t expect you to believe that by simply assuming that you don’t need attraction and acting as if it’s already there, you’re going to be fine. That’s fine, I don’t expect you to buy into this right away. I cover this topic at length in my upcoming book: The Secrets of Artful Seduction – How to Make Women Irresistibly Attracted to You

For now, I want you to try an experiment. Next time you go out to socialize or to just hang out, when you talk to a girl you’re interested in, assume that she has a need in her life — namely the need to BE LOVED for who she really is. Then talk to her from the perspective of you’re better than all the other guys she filters out in fulfilling this need and simply laugh away all the resistance.

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How to get rid of your insecurities forever

by Eric James on Mar.18, 2010, under Inner Game

What is an insecurity?

Insecurity is the habit of doubting yourself and your abilities. You feel inadequate and inferior. You feel like everybody else knows more than you, has more friends than you, has better skills than you and in general is better than you.

There are some key issues when it comes to insecurity:

1. Measuring yourself to others or to an arbitrary “standard”

Insecure people have a habit of measuring themselves to others or to some arbitrary standards and when they see they don’t measure up, they feel bad about themselves. Even worse some people measure themselves to an ideal or perfect self. They set themselves up to be judged against unrealistic expectations.

I don’t like sports metaphors but they serve to deliver the point better. If Kobe Bryant or LeBron James measured themselves against Michael Jordan, they would feel extremely inadequate and lose their confidence. Why? Because for every game where they don’t feel Jordan-like they would beat themselves up mentally and try harder. What happens when an athlete tries too hard? Disaster!!

Instead if you listen to their comments when a reporter brings up the comparison? They invariably say: “Mike was a great player one of the best out there but I will never be like Mike? Why? Because I’m LeBron and all I can be is the best LeBron possible.”

While they realize the need to improve themselves, they invariably refuse to measure themselves against a standard. They will strive to be the best they can possibly be by improving their game but they will not measure themselves against someone else.

2. Lack of self-acceptance

Typically people who feel insecure about themselves have things about themselves that bother them that they hate or don’t like. This follows the idea of the first point. When you compare yourself to others you do it because you’re rejecting yourself on some level and refusing to believe that you’re good enough.

For example one guy thinks he’s too short for women to find him interesting, another guy thinks he’s too fat to go out and meet people.

These things are the holes in your foundation that undermine your confidence. No matter how hard you try to ignore them, hide them or pretend they’re not there they will continue to chip away at your confidence in the background and ultimately bring down the house.

There are two things I want to make very clear about accepting your perceived limitations. First it would be stupid to use the excuse of “working on these issues” to prevent yourself from taking action. We’ll talk about this more later. Second, just because you have these issues that bother you it doesn’t mean that you won’t take care of them at some point. Acknowledging them and then figuring out a way to deal with them is the first step to improvement.

You want to get to a point where you’re completely comfortable with them. It doesn’t mean that you stop to improving yourself, it means that you get to a point mentally where these limitations and shortcomings no longer affect you emotionally. They don’t make you sad, depressed or angry at yourself. In a way you make peace with them and you become comfortable with who you are.

3. Denial

Probably the absolute worst thing you can do with these insecurities and perceived limitations is to deny them, ignore them or overcompensate for them. When you do this what ends up happening is that if someone insults you on one of these “hot buttons” you’ll almost always have an emotional reaction, either an outburst or a retreat with the tail between your legs.

For example:

Reporter:  “But aren’t you too short to play?”

Guy in denial: “What are you talking about? I’m not short. I’m fine.”  He then proceeds to try too hard to impress people to show them that his height is not really an issue (when it clearly is) and ends up hurting himself.

In fact if you notice in social circles or in conversations people will try to push your hot buttons and try and get any sort of reaction from you just for their own entertainment or whatever. If you pay careful attention when you get the other person to cry, get angry or any sort of emotional outburst people will generally respect that person a lot less than they did before. However if the insult or joke doesn’t faze you, if you laugh at it, make a joke yourself or generally treat it as a non-issue then people will respect you more.

How to solve these issues

1. Self Acceptance

Self acceptance if the right way to start dealing with them. It’s really simple. If it’s not an issue with you, it won’t be an issue with anybody else.

You start by accepting yourself so you can build a solid base, a mental platform which you can then use as a springboard to improving yourself. It means that you become a lot more genuine and a lot more comfortable with yourself which is a prerequisite to lifelong confidence.

Now acceptance has a little bit of a negative connotation because it implies that you give up trying the change yourself. This is incorrect. Acceptance in this context has more to do with coming to terms with something, acknowledging it and then figuring out a way to deal with it right then and there. This step is crucial!! Without this step acceptance means giving up.

The solution that you come up with doesn’t have to be a permanent one. It could be a “quick and dirty” temporary thing that you do until the issue is taken care of, or it could be a permanent solution which you get done once and then forget about. The secret is for you to fully accept that this is the best solution available to you right now.

Now there are some things that you cannot fix, like physical limitations. For example if you lost a limb in an accident or if you’re forced to be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life. While modern medicine has made tremendous progress, it doesn’t mean that you should be depressed until you find a solution. You have to learn to acknowledge it and make it a non-issue.

2. Reframing

One thing you can do right away is to reframe the issue in a positive way. “Yes I am the shortest guy on the team, but I’m also the most energetic one. I’m the human battery that keeps this team going.” This is also an excellent way to realize your unique value in the process or the situation because every limitation is excellent grounds for realizing your unique value and contribution to every single situation. How’s that for a reframe!!

As an exercise make a list of all the things that you currently hate or don’t like about yourself. Include as many things as you can think of, go as deep as you can go, add things that you know have an emotional effect on you.

Then look at that list, acknowledge them and work on accepting them and making peace with them. You should strive to get to a point where you feel ok with them and you feel they don’t affect you anymore.

Realize that this may not happen on the first try or on the tenth try. This is ok. It’s part of the process to learn how to be ok with your own limitations and shortcomings. For example if you are short and skinny but have aspirations of playing in the NBA you have to come to terms with the fact that it’s never going to happen.

Yes there probably were people who refused to let their limitations define their life and what they could and couldn’t do and you shouldn’t be discouraged. You just have to come to terms with that possibility and move on. If your desire is strong and your absolutely 100% committed to doing it then it may work out but you need to realize that it won’t be easy.

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The 7 Most Common Mistakes Guys Make With Women

by Eric James on Nov.10, 2009, under Inner Game

Over the past few years, I’ve made a lot of discoveries and personal changes that have reflected themselves in ten times more friends, tripled the number of dates I’ve had and overall increased my happiness. It all started when I began to realize some really horrible mistakes I was making in my dealings with women.

These weren’t just things I was doing wrong. These were actual mindsets that literally held me back from having the kind of success with women I really wanted. When I finally learned how to change them and reverse them, things started to make a lot more sense and women started to get more interested in me almost overnight.

If you find any of the information presented here useful or insightful and you’re a shy guy, I’d like to hear from you. Please follow the link at the end to fill out a quick 5 minute survey.

So without further ado here they are in no particular order.

Mistake 1: They try to get the girl interested in them

The first mistake is counter-intuitive. Typically shy guys will try to come up with schemes or tricks to get girls to like them. They will scour the internet for tips and techniques on how to “get” girls or on how to get sex from girls.

Women absolutely loathe this kind of thing!

Why? Well imagine you had something that people want. For example, a really nice car.

Your friends will always call you to try to get you to go out with them; they will try and get you to lend them the car or try to get you to give them a ride by trying to be nice to you or trying to be your best friend

You can immediately tell that their intentions are not genuine – they just want you for the car and don’t care about you otherwise – and it pisses you off. Some times you may even fall for it; thinking that a guy is being honest and that he’s your best friend while he’s only interested in your material possessions. When he gets what he wanted and leaves you, that’s when you see what a manipulative jerk he really was!

How does that make you feel? Doesn’t that make you feel used? Welcome to the reality of every attractive woman!

She gets approached every day by random strangers who want to get her interested in them or want to get in her pants. And these guys are willing to do anything, take her out on expensive dinners, buy her stuff, be nice to her and become her best friend, and a plethora of other things just so that he can get what he wants.

The sad part is that when women fall for this, they end up getting hurt and it scars them for life. They end up resenting men and having a hard time trusting them.

Then there are some guys who will teach you to do the OPPOSITE. They will tell you to be a jerk to women, put them down and pretend you’re not interested and you don’t want anything from them. This may work sometimes but usually it will attract low-self esteem girls who are craving attention from men. If that’s who you’re after then it’s fine, but me personally I prefer women with high self-esteem. These women will see right through your little games and dismiss you as immature.

Mistake 2: They focus too much on trying to say the right thing to impress the girl

Shy guys worry too much about finding the right thing to say, finding the perfect opening line or finding the perfect moment to jump in and say something. So they wait and wait and when the conversation is over they wonder why they couldn’t think of anything to say.

This is one of the reasons why they are shy in the first place. They are just trying too hard to impress others. In their mind they have a fantasy of saying something and wow-ing everybody. When they can’t think of anything to say, they just shut up and sit in the background.

The other reason they are shy is because of the fear of being judged by others. They just can’t seem to understand that other people are so damn preoccupied with their own issues that they don’t even notice.

If you’re one of these guys, you should realize that most people are not even paying attention to you. Just walk around your city and notice how many people actually pay attention to you. They’re just sleepwalking through their day, deep in thought and they couldn’t care less about you. Why would they? You’re not that important to them. Heck, they don’t even know you! Even if they judge, so ****ing what??

Besides, we already discussed why you shouldn’t even be focusing on trying to impress others, especially women. It’s just another form of trying to “get” something from her and she does not want to feel used.

There is such a thing as the wrong thing to say however. You wouldn’t discuss sex at the dinner table in front of your family or talk about love with your buddies. There are certain topics that you should almost never discuss in social situations, such as depressing news, politics, things like violence against women, divorce, etc. Socializing is meant to be fun and these topics will ruin all the fun. You will be seen as a weirdo and be outcast.

In line with this mistake is also the idea of trying to figure out what the girl wants or what she’s “looking for” in a guy and then trying to be that guy. This is a losing game to play because, say you figure this out intuitively or she tells you and you play this role and “get” the girl.

Then what? How are you going to keep seeing this girl if you’re still trying to play a role that is not who you really are? How do you expect to stop pretending to be someone else and still hope that she will like you?

Maybe you think that after spending time with you she will eventually like you? I don’t think so! So drop it. Stop pretending to be someone else on her behalf and start thinking about what you really want and find a girl who fits those criteria. Then you don’t have to pretend to be someone else. You can be yourself.

Mistake 3: They underestimate their own value while overestimating the girl’s value. They don’t think they’re good enough to attract really hot women

One of the most difficult things I’ve had to deal with was the idea that I wasn’t worthy of a hot girl. Somehow I had gotten into my head the idea that a hot girl has a lot of options and she can choose anyone she wants so why would she choose me? This almost made me settle for sub-par girls as I’d get very nervous when talking to a girl I perceived to be “out of my league”

If this sounds like you then you need to understand that there are two fundamentally wrong assumptions here. The first one is the idea that a hot girl has a lot of options and the second one is the idea that you have no value just by yourself.

First of all it would seem that a hot girl has lots of options. There are many guys pursuing her, trying to get her to go out with them and you would think that she can choose from a large pool of guys. The reality from a woman’s perspective is different.

I know a girl who goes on a lot of dates. She accepts invitations to go on dates from many guys who want to be her boyfriend and yet she is still single. It’s not that she hasn’t had boyfriends, she’s certainly had her share, but in reality she can’t trust every guy that comes along and wants to date her. She is looking for someone in particular and despite the large pool of guys she’s going out with, that one perfect guy for her is still elusive.

Next time you have a chance, ask a female friend or co-worker about the kinds of guys who approach her vs. those who she ends up dating long term. So what does this mean? It means that if you’re the right guy for her, you have a chance!! And the only way you find that out is by asking her out.

Second let’s deal with the idea that you have no value or that you’re not worthy. There are two symptoms to this problem. The first one is thinking: “I can be smarter”, “I can be cooler”, “I can be more hard-working”, “I can be more social” where you compare yourself to your ideal self.

While this is great to help you work on improving yourself, you’ve got to realize that you are not competing for women with your ideal self. You may still be “imperfect” according to your standards but that doesn’t mean you have no value. Just the fact that you are a living, breathing organism means that you are valuable.

The second symptom is the one where you compare yourself to some imaginary guy out there who’s taller than you, more athletic, far better looking and far more successful than you. This is the same as comparing yourself to the “ideal you” except the ideal is someone who doesn’t exist.

The other thing you have to your advantage is the uniqueness that only you can offer. In other words, she can only get you from you. When you begin to understand that women are attracted to your character traits and your personality much more than they are attracted to looks, or money then you can finally relax and go after the girls you really like and see if they fit your criteria.

Mistake 4: They think that once they get the girl, everything will be ok. They will finally be happy and their life will no longer be boring

The underlying assumption here is that girls bring you happiness. That may be true temporarily, since every new relationship is exciting in the beginning. However, looking to the girl to bring you happiness is buying into the idea that happiness exists outside of you and that you need to acquire things in order to be happy.

Just like getting more money, getting a girl will not only fail to make you happy, it will accelerate or expose the problems and insecurities that already exist. Unless you figure out how to deal with them the relationship will bring you more frustration rather than happiness. You will undoubtedly lose the girl and end up getting hurt more.

You’ve got to be able to put your life together and be happy regardless of whether you have a girl around or not. So when you meet a girl who’s worthy of being your girlfriend, you can invite her into your life to enjoy the ride.

Many times shy guys will want to get into the girl’s life and become a part of it. The problem here is that she will now define your life and you will no longer be independent. You will have checked your manhood at the door and she now owns your balls.

The other assumption is that once you get a girl a you’ll think your “work” is done and you can FINALLY relax. This is BY FAR the most common thing that happens to shy guys who manage to find a girl and get a relationship.

They get the girl interested and then stop doing all the things they did that attracted her in the first place. Far more relationships get broken because the girl feels the guy starts to take her for granted and no longer does special things for her.

Mistake 5: They act indecisive instead of making a decision and leading the girl properly

This is by far the most common mistake. Under the guise of equality shy guys will act indecisive and make the girl make the decision. It’s almost like they don’t want to take responsibility for leading her because they’re scared that she will not like his ideas.

How many times has a girl asked you “So what do you want to do?” and you’ve replied “I don’t know what do you want to do?” This may seem innocent to you, in fact you may think that you’re doing this because you care about her, but what she sees is a man who is not strong enough to lead her and she gets frustrated.

Women absolutely hate it when guys act indecisive and can’t make up their mind!

You see, underneath it all women are really looking for someone who will take charge and show them the way. This is your default role as a masculine man, to lead her confidently. When you act indecisive and hesitate to make a decision out of fear of her disapproval she perceives you as a weak feminine man.

The secret to leading women is to have multiple ideas in your head and suggest them to her. If she agrees then great, if she suggests something back then you can still make the final decision. If she’s undecided then it’s up to you to say “Ok, we’re going for a walk and we’ll grab a bite later” She’ll happily follow.

Women want strong, confident men who know how to lead. Why?

It shows that you have the necessary traits to be a survivor and she’ll rather be with a man who knows what he’s doing since it’s very likely that those traits will be transferred to their offspring and give the little ones a better chance for survival as well.

This is why you’ll need to come up with ideas that are beneficial to both you and her and then suggest them. Other times you’ll want to keep the plans secret and surprise her, but this is only for later on in the relationship.

Mistake 6: They hesitate and try to look for signals before approaching a girl or before asking her out

One of the trickiest things for a shy guy to deal with is figuring out if a girl is interested in him and trying to read her signs of interest. He’s looking for the green light that will tell him for sure that she is interested so he go and ask her out and not have to worry about her saying no.

There are several issues at play here. First of all is the idea that you have to read a woman’s signs before going in and asking her out. This idea comes from the many stories that women tell of guys asking her out when – in her mind – she is clearly not interested in them. She incorrectly assumes that the guy should be able to read her mind.

In her mind she’s thinking that she wasn’t showing any signs of interest so he should have read these “signs” before approaching. There is some truth to that. You wouldn’t ask a girl out without first finding out if she’s the kind of person that you do want to date. In reality, you cannot possibly read her mind.

There is only one sure fire way to find out if a woman is interested. It’s called compliance. What it means is that she’s putting work towards getting to know you. She’s doing her part of the equation. When you ask her out she says yes and she even volunteers her phone number or email. When you call her to set up a date she accepts and then she goes out with you.

If she’s not doing her part in getting to know you, then she’s either a spoiled brat who’s used to men doing everything for her or she’s not interested. Either way, you have a very clear indication and you can act accordingly. If you continue to put in effort while she’s not cooperating she will lose interest in you.

There’s also another assumption that is understood but not verbalized that IF a girl is showing signs of being interested in you, then you should ask her out.

The hidden theme is that women make the choice and men then follow. She chooses you and then you should go for it, regardless of whether she’s the right girl for you, because that’s the best you can do right now. There are many shy guys I know who say that the only action they get is from women who approach them.

While this may be true in the animal kingdom, where the male showcases his thing to impress the female and get her to choose him to mate with, I believe that you also have a choice. You should pick out the right girl for you from the pool of girls who are also interested in you. In the end it’s a mutual choice.

Mistake 7: They’re are too sexually timid and they misunderstand the sexual nature of women.

Shy guys tend to be too timid sexually. They don’t fully understand their own sexual nature and are not in touch with their masculinity.They’ve either bought into the idea that sex is wrong or that they have to be discreet about their sexual desire and hide them. Some shy guys are even ashamed of their sexual desires for women.

The other assumption shy guys make is that good women are not supposed to be sexually expressive, or even worse, they assume that women don’t get horny and don’t like sex and the ones who do are not good women, they are sluts.

This is a HUGE sticking point that can derail your life in the bedroom even after you get married. It’s usually a result of social programming from a young age as a way to protect you so you don’t screw up early in life with things like pregnancy and disease.

If you’re one of those guys, the way to reverse this is to start to educate yourself on female sexuality. Read some books on it. Maybe even a romance novel so you can see if you can understand the psychology behind it.

Begin to realize that women are human beings like you and I and they also have urges. Remember that to procreate a man and a woman need to have sex. That’s why nature made us have urges.

Women are built to have many times the amount of pleasure than a man can. Can you imagine having an entire organ whose purpose is to experience pleasure? Having wave after wave of multiple orgasms for hours?

I know what it feels like because I used to have the same problem myself. It was like a big wall that I had to slowly take down bit by bit. It wasn’t easy, but with hard work in trying to understand my desires and through reading as much as I could on the subject of sexuality, I’ve achieved a level of understanding now that is light years ahead of where I was before.

I now understand that it’s hard for women too to express their sexuality as the society usually frowns and looks down upon the women who talk openly about it. Women fear the social stigma of the label “slut” more than anything!! When you understand this, you will understand how discretion on your part will bring you loads of women who are happy to enjoy sharing their body with you because they know you will not go around and tell all your friends about it.

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